Pregnancy After Loss: A Poem

I have a whole blog post ready to come about my pregnancy experience with Reuben but for now here is a poem I wrote in honour of Baby Loss Awareness Week 2021.

Pregnancy After Loss

It’s a marathon, an endurance test

It’s expecting the worst while hoping for the best

It’s repeated toilet trips praying not to see red

Not feeling safe to go out so staying home instead

It’s your heartbreaking story that you have to repeat

At every appointment, with each new person you meet

You struggle to get out those words you’ve had to rehearse

It’s hoping for the best but expecting the worst

It’s holding your breath until the heartbeat is found

Searching for a flicker, straining for a sound

It’s lying awake, sobs heaving from your chest

It’s expecting the worst but hoping for the best

It’s heart-thudding anxiety every day

Every twinge, every pain, just hoping they’ll stay

It’s the clenched jaw when asked “Is this your first?”

It’s hoping for the best but expecting the worst

It’s your eldest asking “Will this baby die too?”

And knowing the answer ‘no’ might not be true.

It’s having to put on a brave face

Or fake excitement

Find a safe place

To let the tears fall and the heart rest

It’s expecting the worst but hoping for the best

It’s the anger, the injustice, the bitter feelings

The baby announcements that can leave you reeling

It’s feeling so many emotions your heart’s ready to burst

It’s hoping for the best but expecting the worst

It’s the guilt of a future with your baby boy

Allowing yourself to feel just a moment of joy

Then the crushing sadness, the numb grief

Trying to hold on to any positive belief

Knowing you can’t breathe a sigh of relief

Until they are safely placed onto your chest

It’s expecting the worst while hoping for the best