Another Mothers’ Day without Etta

It’s hard to not compare this year with last year… the last week before lockdown began and here we are still inside our houses. A year since we scattered Etta’s ashes and have hardly had chance to go back to visit. I don’t think I would have believed anyone if they had told me what I, my family or people round the world had in store for the following year. So many individuals struggling in so many ways.

It’s painful to look back at the pure misery we were still experiencing in March last year but it’s also painful to be a year further away from holding Etta. I suppose the ‘new normal’ for us is a reality without Etta in it and a sense of normality will never really return. I really feel for the bereaved (especially those having lost ones to coronavirus) after the latest lockdown information in the UK. Seeing all the celebrations, memes, news stories about getting life back on June 21st may have been tough. Because of course it will be wonderful for so many people, but for those who have lost somebody they don’t just get to slip back into life as they knew it in March last year.

Mothers’ Day has sort of crept up on me this year. I remember that first Mothers’ Day being etched into my mind as another possibly very difficult day and yet this year, I just want it to pass me by. Maybe it’s a bit of fatigue with not being able to do much to mark any celebration at the moment. Maybe it’s because I expected to have a third child in my arms by now. Maybe it’s the realisation that I’m going to have so many more Mothers’ Days without Etta here and that will always hurt. It could just be a date to add to the pile of ‘no longer wish to really celebrate.’ (Don’t worry- I’ll still expect a cup of tea in bed and a card though!)!

I’m happy to focus more on my own wonderful mum and remember that I am so lucky to have her. (What would I do for childcare for a start?! 🤣) I think there’s enough love there for the both of us to celebrate. ❤️

I’m trying to just accept any of my feelings without guilt at the moment- whatever they might be. So if I want to bury my head in the sand and not think about the significance of Mothers’ Day too much, I’m ok with that. I heard someone say on a podcast this week that ‘Grief is patient’. Of course it’s not healthy to bury all your feelings but if you can’t deal with them all at once, grief will always wait. I have no idea if I’ve dealt with the trauma of the last 18 months but I have a feeling there will be a lot of people with trauma to deal with over the last year- from working on the frontline to seeing loved ones suffering. So at least I’m not alone in that… Hopefully trauma is patient too.

I’ll be thinking of those grieving mums whose first Mothers’ Day isn’t at all what they imagined. I hope they know that they will always be mothers whether their child is still living or not because the love for their child will always remain.

And maybe on Sunday, if there’s a break in the rain, I’ll start planting some flowers close to Etta’s bench so they can bloom in the Summer. And if there are breaks in the sadness, I can let a little hope and joy bloom too.

Wishing everybody a Mothers’ Day filled with love whatever that looks like for them.